The Unbiblical Use of Power in Relationships
We don’t see the word “abuse” in the bible, but Scripture says a lot about the use and misuse of power.
Transcript
SERIES INTRODUCTION
We’re in our third week of our series “When Love Hurts: Christian Perspectives on Domestic Violence.” Each week, I start by sharing these five introductory ideas:
This is a sensitive and painful topic. And for many of you, it’s also personal.
You can experience domestic violence as a victim, perpetrator, observer, or community member. And God can bring healing into all these areas.
There are many types of abuse, but for this series, we’ll focus primarily on physical and sexual violence.
Physical abuse covers a wide scope of behaviors. It’s not just hitting. It’s slapping, shoving, grabbing, biting, throwing things, threatening with a knife.
Lastly, I want to give you permission to take care of yourself.
Now, onto this week’s topic.
POWER AND ABUSE
Abuse is always about power. It’s not about relationships, gender, or theology. Abuse is always about power.
Rape is not a crime of passion or sex. It’s a crime of power and control.
That fight that turned violent is not about whatever started the fight. It’s about exerting power and will over the other person.
Insulting, intimidating, or threatening is not about personality; it’s about power.
Abuse is always about power. Abusive people maintain power over their victims through coercive or controlling behavior. This can go on for years, is often ignored or explained away, and may even be encouraged by the friends, culture, or religion of the abuser.
On the back of your bulletin, we’ve included something called the Power and Control Wheel that illustrates some of the tactics abusers use to exert power and control over their victims. We hope that it’s helpful for you to identify things you’ve experienced or maybe even things you’ve done.
So, the first thing you must remember today is that abuse is always about power.
THE BIBLE, ABUSE, AND OPPRESSION
When we look to the Bible to shed light on this, we run into a problem. We never see the word “abuse” in the Bible. However, the term “oppression” is everywhere. In Scripture, oppression is the crushing or burdening of someone by abusing power or authority. Oppression is “my power at your expense.” This sounds a whole lot like modern-day abuse
The Bible consistently talks about protecting the dignity and humanity of the victims of oppression: the poor, the weak, widows, orphans, foreigners, and servants. It regularly speaks against oppressors’ motives, like greed, status, and the lust for power.
The Bible also speaks volumes about God’s attitude toward oppression.
It arouses his anger (Exodus 22:22-24)
It grieves him (Exodus 3:7)
He will punish oppressors, in this life or the next (Jeremiah 6:6; 22:3-5)
And when you look at all these hundreds of verses, a consistent pattern emerges for how God’s people should use power. Those in power empower the less powered. Those in power empower the less powered. Every time, without exception.
AN EXAMPLE: 3 JOHN
There’s an incredible example of this in the shortest book in the Bible—3 John. You heard it earlier in our Scripture reading. It’s just 13 verses, about 200 words.
This is a personal letter written by the Apostle John to a dear friend named Gaius. Most of the letters in the New Testament were written to churches, which makes this one unique.
Diotrephes
In addition to connecting with an old friend, John’s purpose in writing seems to be to address a problematic person in the church named Diotrephes. He was either the pastor or highly influential elder in the church. We don’t know. But one thing we do know is that he was abusing his power.
Here’s what John wrote:
“9 I wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to be first, will not welcome us. 10 So when I come, I will call attention to what he is doing, spreading malicious nonsense about us. Not satisfied with that, he even refuses to welcome other believers. He also stops those who want to do so and puts them out of the church.”
John highlights four sinful behaviors of Diotrephes that are clear abuses of his power.
1. He loved to be first. This is at the heart of every person who abuses power, whether in a church, a job, or a relationship. They love to be first, the one in control, the one who makes the decisions. This is the essence of control, and remember, abuse is always about control.
2. He gossiped maliciously. The literal translation of this line is “bringing false charges against us with evil words.” One way to amass power is to take it from other people by tearing them down. This is the essence of emotional or psychological abuse. And it can include things like spreading false rumors about the victim, gaslighting them, or lying to others.
3. He refused Christian hospitality. This was so bad that John mentioned it twice. Diotrephes rejected other believers and even John himself. He controls the environment, denying anybody who might disrupt the narrative he is creating. Abusers do the same thing. They exert power and control over their partners by isolating them and preventing them from having contact with others.
4. He kicked opponents out of the church. He literally excommunicated people from the church who disagreed with him. His emotional manipulation escalated to coercion and force. This is the ultimate act of control. He defined who was in and who was out. This is exactly what abusers do. They surround themselves with people who will support them and rejects anyone who might question them.
Looking at this list, it’s the exact opposite of the biblical model that those in power empower the less powered. Instead, he used his power to disempower, dimmish, and undermine others. That’s the core of abuse.
Gaius
Thankfully, Diotrephes isn’t the only example we’re given. John also tells us about his dear friend Gaius, the recipient of this letter. Here’s what he writes:
“5 Beloved, it is a faithful thing you do in all your efforts for these brothers, strangers as they are, 6 who testified to your love before the church. You will do well to send them on their journey in a manner worthy of God. 7 For they have gone out for the sake of the name, accepting nothing from the Gentiles. 8 Therefore, we ought to support people like these, that we may be fellow workers for the truth.”
What can we learn from Gaius about using power to empower the less powered?
1. He loved others, even strangers. He used his power to love others, offering hospitality and support. The text also suggests that his love extends to Christians and non-Christians alike.
2. He showed generous hospitality. He welcomed them into his home, built bridges, and shared life together.
3. He displayed faithfulness. He was praised by John and others because his actions came out of trust and loyalty to God, not fear, control, or selfishness.
Gaius used his power to empower the less powered.
Summary
So, John contrasts these two people—one who used power for his own benefit and one who used power to support and care for others. And then he wraps up with the ultimate mic drop against those who abuse power:
“11 Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God.”
When you abuse power—in a church, a job, or a family—you are doing what is evil, and you haven’t even seen God. Abuse is always sin. It’s always evil.
HOW DO YOU USE YOUR POWER?
So, let me ask you: How do you use your power?
Every one of you has relationships where you have more power than another person. Maybe it’s because of your race, age, gender, education, wealth, or even attractiveness. It could be at your job, within your family or clan, or among your friends.
How do you use that power? Is it…
My power at your expense or
You’re empowered at my expense?
Do you hoard power or give it away? Do you want things your way or consider others more important than yourself?
Every one of us has the potential to abuse power and be abused by power. So, pay attention to your power differentials. If you are unaware of your power in certain relationships, you are prone to abuse it, maybe even unknowingly.
Here are just a few relationships with high power-differentials:
Culturally traditional men over women
Strong-willed women over passive men
Husbands over wives
Parents over children
Older siblings over younger siblings
Whites over people of color (at least in America)
More educated over less educated
White-collar over blue-collar workers
I could go on and on. Any one of these relationships are ripe for abuse in big and small ways.
JESUS’ SOLUTION
There is only one solution: Die to yourself. Be like Jesus, lay down your power, and take up your cross.
You sacrifice yourself so somebody else can thrive.
You humble yourself so somebody else can be lifted up.
You use your power so someone with less power can be empowered.
Be like Jesus, lay down your power, and take up your cross.
And, please, never let someone else sacrifice you for their benefit. That’s not Christianity. That’s not love. That’s abuse.
