Doing Life Together
This involves building a sense of purpose and meaning in the relationship. You’ll be encouraged to develop rituals, goals, and roles that give your marriage a sense of shared identity and direction.
Transcript
Why do we at RiverLife spend weeks looking at marriages?
Because marriages are important. And marriages are in jeopardy.
Currently roughly 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce.
The average length of a first marriage in the US is about 20 years.
And for those who end up divorcing, the average length of marriage is 8 years.
While an astonishing 33% of first marriages end within the first 10 years, there is another spike that shows up at around Year 20.
The idea of divorcing in your late 40’s and early 50s has become so common that it now has its own name: gray divorce, where one in every three people who divorce in the United States are over 50.
So, we have taken time to cover John Gottman and Nan Silver’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert to learn from the happily married masters of marriage what it takes to make marriage work. Previously we covered these topics:
Friendship Is the Hallmark of a Healthy Marriage
Happily married couples, which Gottman calls “the masters,” behave like good friends.
Are You a Bad Friend?
Magic ratio: 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
i. Criticism
ii. Contempt
iii. Defensiveness
iv. Stonewalling
Becoming Good Friends
The importance of knowing your spouse and nurturing fondness and admiration for them.
Repairing Ruptures
The power of turning toward each other instead of away.
Managing Conflict Like Teammates
The need to be one the same team when solving problems.
Today, we will talk about Married Friends Doing Life Together.
Doing life together means there’s physical nearness and collaboration, and it covers the final two principles of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
Let your partner influence you.
Create shared meaning.
The research results echo the Apostle Paul’s writing to the believers at Ephesus. Most of the time when we hear sermons on Biblical marriage the passage used is Ephesians 5:22-33, which we read together earlier.
Yes, that passage does provides direct instructions to wives and husbands on how to treat each other in marriage.
Wives do need to submit to their husbands and husbands do need to love their wives.
But without understanding why and how they can do that, it is much too easy to misunderstand and misinterpret the instructions to submit and love.
So, we need to understand the context of submission and love before we can implement submission and love. And to do that, we have to understand what Paul was saying in the verses leading up to these instructions.
Unlike the letters to the Corinthians where Paul had to write to address some of the heresies and evil practices going on in the church, in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul just wants to share some very important things for Christians anywhere and everywhere to understand about the new life we have as believers and followers of Jesus Christ.
Although Paul first tells us about the general ways a believer is to live with and treat all other believers, we so often forget that that also includes our husband or wife. We wait for direct instructions on how to treat our wife or husband and wish the Bible was more clear on what to do in this very special and hard relationship, when all along we are unwilling to apply all the many things that the Bible has already told us to do with anyone and everyone around us—including our wife of husband!
We will look at various verses from Ephesians 4 and 5.
Ephesians 4:1-3;32 and 5:1-4;8-10;15-17;21
1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace....
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 5:1-4;8-10;15-17;21
1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children
2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.
4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light
9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)
10 and find out what pleases the Lord.
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,
16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Being a follower of Jesus Christ must radically change how we live with one another.
The Change: What is New?
1. Humble and gentle (4:2)
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
a. Humility is the secret solution to marital problems!
1) Humility is defined in Philippians 2:3-4
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
i. Humility is the only way to elevate someone else above you.
ii. Humility is required for us to obey God when what he asks us to do doesn’t make sense or will appear to hurt us.
iii. Without humility it is difficult to do any of the other things we will talk about today.
2) The opposite of humility is selfishness = seeking only my own good and desires
i. Selfish ambition: looking our for my own gain
ii. Vain conceit: thinking I’m better than everyone else
b. Selfishness is at the root of most marital problems.
While people give many reasons for divorce, according to a recent national survey, the most common reason was “lack of commitment,” with 73% of respondents citing this as one reason for the termination of their marriage.
Lack of commitment can be when a spouse does whatever they want without taking their spouse’s desires and needs into consideration. Or when one spouse does all the work while the other contributes very little practical and emotional support.
Gottman says that in order to have a healthy, happy marriage, the spouses must share power and decision-making.
Humility is needed for there to be shared power and decision-making, because if selfishness reigns, each spouse only looks out for their own interests—or one has all the power and the other one becomes a servant or even slave to the other.
2. Be kind, compassionate, forgiving (4:32)
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
3. Be sacrificially loving (5:1-2)
1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Christ himself is our example of what love looks like!
4. Be sexually pure (5:3-4)
a. In thoughts and actions (5:3)
3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.
b. In words (5:4)
4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
When we are humble and gentle; kind, compassionate, and forgiving; sacrificially loving; and sexually pure, then it will not be hard to do this fifth thing that Paul tells us is part of the new life in Christ Jesus:
5. Submit to one another (5:21)
NIV: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
a. The word “submit” the Greek word hypotassō, which is usually a military term that means “to put under; to subordinate; to subject under,” in essence, to arrange yourself under someone’s authority—like putting yourself under the general and submitting to his authority because you are in the position/role of a private.
A literal translation would be: To honor Christ, in your relationships with each other arrange yourselves under one another’s authority.
b. In order to submit to each other, we must have humility.
Let your partner influence you by submitting to them.
When we think about commitment in marriage, we often think of faithfulness; but lack of commitment doesn’t show up just in infidelity.
Most of the time people will say that they feel emotionally distant from their partner—that they have drifted apart.
Some might even say that while they still “love” their partner (however they define love), but they can live without them and not have things change much if the partner was gone.
1) Gottman’s seventh principle for making marriage work says that a couple needs to have shared meaning in life.
When couples have too much independence and each one does their own thing apart from the spouse, eventually, they will end up living parallel lives where they share very little in common.
The antidote to living distant, separate lives is to:
Understand important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship. Develop a relationship culture together.
“A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions. The more you speak candidly and respectfully with each other, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning.” John Gottman
Four pillars of shared meaning:
1. Rituals of connection
The hallmark of rituals of connection is that they are not haphazard. They are structured, scripted traditions that you can depend on. You know how events will play out and that you will have each other’s attention and connect in a manner you both find meaningful.
2. Support for each other’s roles
From the standpoint of marriage, our perspective on our own roles and our mate’s can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension.
3. Shared goals
Not only will you increase the intimacy of your marriage by sharing your deepest objectives with your spouse, but to the extent that you work together to achieve shared goals, they can be a path toward making your union even richer.
4. Shared values and symbols
Often, a couple’s shared values and beliefs are represented by symbols, which can be actual objects or intangible. Religious icons like a crucifix or mezuzah are obvious symbols of faith a couple may display in their home. They represent values if their meaning is discussed, made personal, and agreed upon. But there are more personalized symbols as well.
Let me end with Paul’s words: Ephesians 5:15-17
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.
Join me in prayer.
