Managing Conflict Like Teammates
You can do a lot in marriage by addressing and resolving conflicts that are not deeply rooted and can be practically solved. It involves clear communication, compromise, and the implementation of effective problem-solving strategies.
Transcript
INTRO
Today, we’re continuing our relationship series, Married Friends, with the topic, managing conflict like teammates. Now this reminds me of one of my favorite teammates on my high school basketball team. We were on the same skill level, not very good, but I appreciated him because we could empathize with each other. One practice, the coach ran a drill where every player was for themselves. The goal was to score a basket and if you did, you eliminated someone from the group. At the end, the last person standing got to rest while the others ran. Right away, the top players on our team scored and eliminated their competition. When the rest of us realized what was happening, we made sure to eliminate them. In the end, the two worst players and a scrawny guy who had a pretty good shot were left. The scrawny guy let a shot off and shockingly missed. We frantically chased for a rebound and at that moment, I knew if I wanted a chance to win, I had to help my favorite teammate score so I went for the less spectacular route of scoring and blocked out the scrawny guy letting my favorite teammate score. It left the two worst players standing and it was the most beautiful moment in my basketball career. We did it with teamwork and even if I didn’t win, I would’ve been fine knowing that one of us did.
A good teammate is someone who works well with you because they help you achieve the goal. And the same is true with marriage. One piece of advice I received that has been helpful to this day came from a marriage retreat called a Weekend to Remember and the advice was this, your spouse is not your enemy. That has helped me change my perspective when I am in conflict with Pang. Once I cool down, I’m reminded that Pang and I are on the same team so I turn towards her, not away, to find a resolution.
Similarly, we’ve been exploring John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and he concepts to dealing with conflict in marriages.
2 types of conflict
In any relationship, there is going to be conflict. Gottman believes that there are two types of conflict in marriage. Solvable conflicts and perpetual conflicts.
Solvable conflicts are focused on a particular dilemma or situation. Generally, they feel less painful or intense. There are no deeper meanings behind the issue and solutions can be found and maintained. An example of a solvable problem might be driving habits. Every Sunday you drive to church, but your partner thinks you drive too fast. You explain that you have to speed because you don’t want to be late for service. Your partner says it takes a longer time to get out of the house because the breakfast dishes need to go in the dishwasher and the kids aren’t ready. The solution? Maybe wake up earlier, one does the dishes while the other gets the kids ready, etc.
Perpetual conflicts on the other hand are problems that center on the fundamental differences between you and your partner. It’s when one of your values isn’t a core value of your partner’s. These problems will forever be part of the relationship popping up over and over again. Gottman says that perpetual conflicts make up 69% of marital conflict. Let’s take a similar scenario from earlier. Your partner is upset with how fast you drive to church. You tell your partner you’ve never been in an accident and that you are a safe driver. Your partner responds by telling you that you don’t care about anyone’s safety. You respond by saying your partner doesn’t trust you. See how there’s a much deeper meaning behind the conflict in this scenario? It’ll take more time to figure out perpetual conflicts, but couples can still be happy. The difference between healthy and unhealthy couples is determined by how they deal with their conflict. These conflicts may never get solved, but healthy couples find ways to cope and manage them. They are constantly working it out. Sometimes it gets better and sometimes it gets worse, but they acknowledge the problem and talk about it to help prevent feeling overwhelmed by it.
If couples aren’t able to manage perpetual conflict, they will experience what Gottman calls gridlock meaning they mishandle the conflict causing them to feel rejected by their partner. Their conversations about the conflict result in no progress. Each person is stuck in their position, unwilling to budge. When couples engage in further conversations, they end up feeling more frustrated and hurt. Conversations are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection. You begin to see your spouse as an enemy causing you to eventually disengage from each other emotionally. Trust in each other declines and each person feels like the other is selfish. The 4 relationship-killing communication styles of critique, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling also known as the 4 Horsemen, are present, which leads to the death of the relationships.
KEY PRINCIPLES THAT GUIDE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
So what can we do? Thankfully, there are solutions to how we can handle our conflict and how we can get out of gridlock. Before we dive into the process, here are some general principles to fall back on.
Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better. Express your negative emotions in a way that allows your partner to hear what you need without attacking them.
Both individuals have a perspective on the conflict. It isn’t that one person is right and the other is wrong, both have a valid perspective.
Always accept your partner. When your partner feels criticized, disliked, or underappreciated, they are unable to change. Communicate that you accept your partner. Make sure your partner feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned.
Be fond of and admire each other. You can communicate anger, frustration, disappointment, and hurt to your partner in respectful ways. Whatever the issue, give each other the message that they are loved and accepted.
5 steps to solve your problems
So with that in mind, here are the 5 steps you can take to solve your problems. They are: soft startup, repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, and process grievances. Let’s start with the first, soft startup.
1. Soft startup
A soft startup includes these elements:
Share responsibility for the issue
State how you feel about the specific situation
Inform partner what you need
Soft startups share a complaint with blaming. Express your complaint with “I” statements instead of “You” statements. Use the formula:
I feel ______ about _______ and I need ________.
Be clear about your needs. It’s essential to understand that your partner can’t read your mind. Politely tell them what you need.
2. Repair attempts
Second, make and receive repair attempts. Repair attempts are like car brakes that help us slow down. When we see a dangerous turn coming, we slow down. Similarly, when we start to feel the tension escalate, repair attempts prevent negativity from escalating out of control. They help de-escalate the tension. It can be a variety of statements like
I realized I blew it. Let me try that again.
How can I make things better?
It can be a statement pointing out things you agree with like,
I agree with a part of what you’re saying.
I never thought of it that way.
It can be a statement requesting a calmer shift like
Please be gentler with me or
It can even be something you say to stop the tension from escalating like
I’m feeling flooded, I need a break.
And it can definitely be appreciation. You can still show appreciation in conflict and say something like,
I see your point.
I understand
What’s important about repair attempts is that you and your partner have to find some keywords or phrases that help you identify repair attempts. Make it clear that when I say these things, I’m trying to prevent us from spiraling down negativity.
3. Soothe yourself and each other
Third, soothe yourself and each other. Conflict leads you to feel flooded. When you feel flooded you are emotionally and physically overwhelmed, and repair attempts don’t work. Inform your partner that you need a break to take care of yourself. When you feel calm, you can help soothe your partner. It can help your partner associate you with relaxation rather than stress. A quick note, men it’s harder for us to calm down.
4. Compromise
Fourth, compromise. This is the only way to solve problems. You can’t get everything your way because it creates inequity and unfairness. Compromise only works when you’ve taken the first 3 steps. Compromise involves negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other’s needs. You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse offers, but you must be open to considering their position. And again men, generally we have a harder time accepting compromise.
5. Process any grievances
Lastly, process any grievances so they don’t linger. Compromise is great, but you still deal with the scars from conflict. Address the emotional injuries that occur from our conflicts by
Choosing a specific incident to process
Decides who speaks or listens first
Share what you felt and what you need
Identify and explore triggers
Acknowledge your role in what happened
Tell your partner what you want to apologize for
And then look ahead. Create constructive plans. Ask these questions:
What’s one thing I can do to avoid having this kind of conflict again?
What’s one thing my partner can do to avoid having this kind of conflict again?
Overcoming gridlock
Now, if we can’t solve our problems, it can lead us to experiencing gridlock. It’s a feeling of being stuck with the conflict. You can’t find ways to get past it and you harbor negative feelings towards your partner. To get pass gridlock, you don’t have to solve the problem. Instead, you just have to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other. When you experience gridlock, Gottman says that it is a deeper sign of something else. Gridlock means you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of or hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. Dreams are your hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are meaningful and give purpose to your life. For some, dreams are very practical such as saving $10,000 in your account while others have more abstract or profound dreams like becoming the richest person in the world. Underneath these dreams, you might find a desire for security, stability, generosity, success, etc. It’s believed that our deepest dreams are frequently rooted in childhood, so it hurts when our partner doesn’t respect them because it has to do with something bigger.
What’s the solution to gridlock? Gottman says we have to become dream detectives. We need to identify which dream or dreams are fueling the conflict. One good indicator that you’re wrestling with a hidden is that you consider your spouse to be the source of the marital difficulty. Criticizing your spouse is an indicator of a hidden dream. It can indicate that you don’t see your part in creating the conflict because it has been hidden from your view. Uncovering a hidden dream is a challenge because it’s unlikely to emerge until you feel that your marriage is a safe place to talk about it so work on the first 3 principles of soft startup, repair, and soothe.
Be willing to explore each other's dreams. Focus on what each person needs, wants, and is feeling about the situation. The goal is to simply understand why each of you feels so strongly about the issue. Talk honestly about your dream and what it means to you. Explain where it comes from and what it symbolizes. Don’t censor or downplay your feelings about your dream. Suspend judgement, hear the dream, and encourage your spouse to explore it.
Supporting dreams doesn’t mean you believe the dream can or should be realized, but it expresses understanding. There are 3 levels of supporting dreams.
Express understanding and be interested in learning more
Actively enable the dream by investing it
Become part of the dream by engaging with it
Getting past gridlock is to honor these dreams. You don’t have to make them reality, but by honoring them you remove the hurt that comes with the conflict. Happy couples are aware of each other’s dreams and in satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other’s dreams into their concept of what marriage is about. It increases intimacy and connection. The goal isn’t to solve the problem but to find a way to live peacefully with it.
And lastly, say thank you. Show gratitude to your partner. Express your appreciation of the qualities that your partner demonstrates in your conversation.
At the core of managing conflict like teammates is respect. Respecting your partner means you need to value them for who they are and what they offer. You need to treat them with dignity. You need to see them in a positive regard and acknowledge their capabilities. And to do this, we need to be aware of how we think of them. And one way we can do this comes from our Bible passage that was read earlier in Genesis 2:18-24.
Biblical principle
Let me read parts of it. This is what it says.
18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him…21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
When God created humanity, He didn’t design humans to fly solo. When God saw Adam alone He said it wasn’t good so He makes a helper for Adam. Now a helper can often be thought of as someone inferior to who they are helping. Think about a teacher and a teacher assistant or head coach and an assistant coach or the principal and assistant principal. We get this notion that the teacher, head coach, and principal are superior to their assistant, but in Genesis the word, helper, conveys something different. In the Hebrew language, helper conveys this idea of someone who comes to relieve others who are desperately in need of help or it might even mean to rescue someone unable to protect themselves. Helper has military connotations of allies supporting each other suggesting that the helper has the power and strength to provide it. Biblically speaking, the helper does not appear to be inferior to who they are helping, but they are just as capable if not more. Outside of Genesis, helper is used to reference God and how he helps us. Deuteronomy 33:29 says this,
“Blessed are you, Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will tread on their heights.”
And notice the contrast here in Hosea 13:9. This is what it says this,
“You are destroyed, Israel, because you are against me, against your helper.
Israel is blessed because they depend on God’s help and Israel is destroyed because they are against God’s help. This is the image that God gives us when it comes to marriage. God created humanity to help each other. God gives us a teammate to help us. Our healthy relationships and marriages depend on our willingness to be teammates and work through our conflicts. It’s more than just me or you, it’s both of us. So, find ways to be a team with your partner. Your spouse is not your enemy. God created you to help each other. Let’s pray.