Crack #2: Disconnection

When you’re together every day, you might discover that you’re not as close to your spouse as you thought you were. Discovering the oldest biblical truth about marriage can help you reconnect deeper with your spouse.

Transcript

Oneness. What is that, really? You hear it in sermons, marriage conferences. But what does it mean? Well, I can start by telling you what you already know. It’s the opposite of what some of you have experienced during the pandemic.

Over the past year, we’ve all spent A LOT of time with our spouses, kids, maybe parents if they live with you. For you married people, after all that time together, you might be feeling one of two things:

That you aren’t nearly as connected with your spouse as you thought you were. You’re thinking, “I thought we were okay, but this much time together is just too much.”

That you feel really disconnected from your spouse. You’re thinking, “We spend every day together, and I still feel like a stranger to them.”

Disconnection. Maybe that’s the crack in your relationship that has shown up over the past year. Stress reveals cracks and we have to deal with our cracks before they become canyons.

Ya see, disconnection creates distance. Your crack grows. Distance grows into loneliness. Your crack gets even bigger. Loneliness creates apathy and coldness. Your crack becomes a canyon. It ends in abandonment—emotional or even physical leaving.

Please… repair your cracks before they become canyons.

How can you begin to repair this crack of disconnection? Well, a connected marriage begins with oneness. In fact, I would argue that it’s the most important thing the Bible says about marriage. Jesus used oneness as the reason why a married couple shouldn’t get divorced. Paul used oneness as the reason why you shouldn’t have sex with someone who’s not your spouse. Paul, again, used oneness as the foundation of his teachings on the roles of husbands and wives.

In fact, all three of these passages, Jesus and Paul refer back to the same verse in scripture. So, what is this all-important verse? “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

That’s Genesis 2:24, and it gives us God’s foundation for connection in marriage: oneness between husband and wife. It’s the thing that everything else is built on. It’s so important in marriage, that if you don’t get this one right, it’s really hard to get the other parts right.

But why is it so important? Why do we need oneness in marriage? I’ll give you three reasons, all of which come out of Genesis 1 and 2.

1. We Need Oneness to Reflect God’s Image

Genesis 1:27 says this: So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Both men and women equally reflect the image of God. It is not:

• Men reflect God when they lead strongly.

• Women reflect God when they have children.

Friends, married or not, your worth is not determined by what you do. Your worth is given by God because you were made in his image.

Additionally, God represents the best example of oneness: The Trinity. Among the Trinity—the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—there is perfect oneness, unity, and wholeness. When you live out oneness in marriage, you’re living out a reflection of God. 

2. We Need Oneness to Live Out a Common Mission

The very next verse in Genesis says this: 28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

God gave men and women a common mission – partners in the task, equally responsible.

• It was not: men subdue the earth; women be fruitful

• It was not: men work outside; women work inside

• It was not: men preach and lead; women teach Sunday school and cook.

We all are on mission together. And couples, you need oneness to live out your common mission.

3. We Need Oneness to Be Partners in Marriage

Genesis 2:18 says: The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone…”

Now, most people agree with that. Leave us guys alone and we either devolve into cavemen or eventually set something on fire. So, most people generally agree with this idea.

But the verse continues… “I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Now, this is where the problems start. This verse has been used to justify patriarchy and relegate women to a second-class standing below men. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

Let me give you a little Hebrew lesson. That word translated as “helper” is ezer. You know who else is described as an ezer? God. This is not a weak word. It’s really a combination of “to rescue, save” and “to be strong”. So, ladies, you are no mere “helper” citizen. You are strong. You are a rescuer. You are our ezer.

The second word: “suitable.” This one has the idea of corresponding, even matching.

So, a better translation is: “I will make for man a powerful helper that matches him.” 

Oneness in marriage allows a couple to live as matching partners. 

Application

By now, I’m hoping that you’re beginning to see how important oneness is. It really is the foundation of healthy, biblical marriage. But it can sometimes be hard to imagine what it could actually look like in your marriage. That’s because there are a lot of misconceptions out there about oneness.  

So, I want to take a few minutes to talk about what oneness is not and what oneness is.

First, what oneness is not:

It is not being the same – Pang Foua and I could not be more different—in our personality, our family, our size.

It is not doing everything together – When Pang Foua and I were first married, she would go to all the action and sci-fi movies with me because that’s what she thought marriage was. Nope.

Oneness is not doing whatever one partner decides – “Being one means we both do it my way because I’m the spiritual leader or because I’m the more responsible one.”

It is not giving up your identity – You should not suppress who God created you to be simply to achieve oneness. That’s fake unity—because you’re being a fake person.

Now, let’s talk about one oneness is:

Oneness is shared values and goals – Pang Foua knows that is she comes to me wanting to help out a family member financially, I’m going to say yes. That’s because we both value being generous with our stuff. 

How closely aligned are you and your spouse on the same big-pictures values for your faith, your family, your money.

Oneness is working together and celebrating together – Are you in this together? Or are you out for yourself? Be honest with yourself and be honest with God. Are you on the same team or are you on opposing sides? How often do you help your spouse succeed at something? When one spouse wins, you both win.

Oneness is a balance of give and take – Who gives in more in your relationship? Let me guess. You do. They’re a fascinating thing that happens in marriage. Usually, both people often feel like they’re giving in more than the other. But that’s rarely true. Oneness is a balance of give and take that comes out of a place of love, not control or selfishness or fear or laziness.

Oneness is protecting your marriage – It’s not allowing anyone or anything else to get inside the unity. This could be having an affair or talking with people on Facebook or porn or Facebook stalking your ex. Oneness is knowing that when you’re hurting your spouse, you’re hurting yourself also.

At this point you might be thinking, “Ya, that all sounds great, but it’s really hard.”

Yes, it is. It’s hard because of our selfishness. It’s hard when you’re tired or worn out. It’s hard when you feel unappreciated.

But it’s hard for another reason. You might have a hard time living out oneness with your spouse if you don’t first experience oneness with God. Theologians have a great term for this – union with Christ. This is a phrase that encompasses a number of things Scripture talks about.

If you believe in Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior…

• You are in Christ

• You are like Christ

• You are with Christ

• You are created in Christ

• You are crucified with Christ

• You are buried with Christ

• You are baptized into Christ and his death

• You are united with Christ in resurrection

• You are seated with Christ in the heavenly places

• You are justified, glorified, sanctified, called, made alive, created anew, adopted, and redeemed.

• You are in Christ

That is what it means to be one with Christ. And this doesn’t come from simply calling yourself a Christian or watching services. It comes from giving your life to Jesus Christ.