You Don't Need to Forgive Them
“I forgive you.” Why is it so hard to say that sometimes? Learn how to let go of our grudges, love the people who have hurt us, and learn to say “I forgive you”—and mean it.
Transcript
Welcome to week 2 of our Easter series, Things Jesus Never Said. Here’s one thing that Jesus never said: You don’t have to forgive them.
On the topic of forgiveness, how many of you know someone who’s really annoying on Facebook? Raise your hand Now, keep your hands up. If your hand is not up right now… hmm… Just sayin’.
Let me tell you what Jesus didn’t say:
He didn’t say, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they post.” That’s for all your annoying Facebook friends.
He didn’t say, “Fool me once, and I’ll forgive you. Fool me twice, and I’ll give you gout.” I know some of you guys have wondered that.
He definitely didn’t say, “Sorry, you’ve sinned too much for me to forgive you. I can forgive everybody else, but you really get on my nerves.” You might feel it, but he didn’t say it.
So what did Jesus actually say about forgiveness? To answer that, we’re going to turn to the Sermon on the Mount in the gospel of Matthew. In there, Jesus taught about prayer and forgiveness.
In chapter 6, he taught the disciples how to pray. We know that prayer because we recite it together most Sundays. It starts in Matthew 6:9, “9 This is how you should pray: “Our Father [Everyone say, “Our Father.”] Our Father in heaven, holy be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 11 Give us today our daily bread.
Now, let me highlight what Jesus did not say. “And forgive our debts, even though we're still holding grudges against other people.” Nope, that’s not it. He didn’t say, “I’ll forgive you, but you don’t have to forgive that other person.”
Instead, here’s what he did say: “And forgive our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.”
And then, a couple of verses later, he adds a P.S. to elaborate on what he just said. “14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
I want to read this again because I want to let it settle in for a moment. This is what Jesus said, “14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Very strong, sobering words.
I bet some of you are feeling a little uncomfortable right now. In fact, some of you are already working out rationalizations for why it’s okay for you to still hold that grudge.
You might be heading for an unsettling moment with God today. You came to church. You thought everything was going to be okay. And suddenly, you recognize that these sobering words of Jesus might have direct application in your life because you are holding onto unforgiveness. You’re carrying a grievance against someone who wronged you, hurt you, disappointed you, and let you down.
Before I move forward, I want to acknowledge something that some of you are feeling right now. I mention forgiveness, and your insides want to scream, “But you don’t know what they did to me!”
Your spouse cheated on you.
Your best friend betrayed you.
A business partner cheated you out of money.
A family member broke a promise to you.
Or someone that was supposed to love you and protect you instead of hurt you.
Some of you, perhaps many of you and disproportionally women, have endured very real abuse—verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. And years, even decades later, you still feel that pain, and you still carry the scars. And for me to stand up here and simply tell you to forgive them is cruel and unloving. So, I want to recognize your pain and acknowledge that what they did to you was cruel and unfair and not part of God’s plan for you.
How do you forgive when you don’t want to or can’t forgive them? Whether it’s somebody talking trash about you or someone shattering your innocence and identity? How do you live out what Jesus taught us to do?
To answer this, we’re going to look at FOUR other things Jesus said about forgiveness right there in the Sermon on the Mount. This is an example of using Scripture to understand Scripture, and it’s a great way to make sense of difficult passages.
First, let’s go back to the Lord’s Prayer. He began with: “Our Father…” Everyone say: “Our Father.” Now, I find that strange.
In marriage, I get it. When Pang Foua tells me:
“We need to shovel the snow” it means “You need to shovel the snow.”
“Our bathroom needs cleaning” means “You’re stinky. Clean the toilet”
“We’re bringing dinner over to our friends” means “You’re cooking something; otherwise, I’m buying it from Costco.”
But here—“Our Father”? If I were teaching people to pray, I would probably start it “My Father.” But Jesus knew something we often forget. We share a common Father. We belong to each other. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. Our relationship with God’s other children really matters to the heart of God. You can’t pray to “Our Heavenly Father” while resenting “your spiritual sibling.” Forgiveness is not optional.
Second, if we go back about half a chapter, Jesus says something completely counterintuitive and almost blasphemous. “23 If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
Now, I’ve never had somebody walk out of church after I read these verses, but if you gotta, I’ll understand. You’re just obeying Jesus.
What is Jesus essentially saying? If you’re going to worship your heavenly Dad, don’t bring him an offering when you’re fighting with your spiritual sibling. Go get that straight first; that’s how important our relationships are to our heavenly Father. And that’s how destructive unforgiveness and resentment are to us.
We usually hold onto resentment because it gives us a feeling of power, especially over the person who did us wrong.
You’re taking control of the narrative.
You’re not letting them get off easy.
You want to punish them for what they did.
Unfortunately, we have it all wrong. Theologian and author Lewis Smedes wrote, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Unforgiveness hurts you, not the other person. It’s letting the other person wound you over and over again. It slowly destroys your soul. We think not forgiving someone is power, but it’s really a prison. You’re living in a prison of offense, slowly decaying with bitterness, resentment, and hatred. And there’s only one way out. Forgiveness is the key that sets you free from that prison.
Some of you are living in a prison of offense, and Jesus wants to set you free. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door. Jesus knew that. That’s why he said it’s even more important than your worship. Forgiveness is not optional.
Third, Jesus has another teaching that’s directed to all of you who are thinking: Good story! Inspirational quotes. But I’m just not there yet. What do I do if I’m overwhelmed with hurt, anger, and bitterness?
If we go down a few more verses, Jesus gives you the first step toward forgiveness. “43 You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
Jesus was speaking to a culture that believed justice was an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. Somebody wrongs you; you wrong them back. And if we’re honest, we’re not too far from that. You’ve probably gotten advice like that before—from your friends, definitely from Facebook. Some people absolutely believe you should hate your enemy. We see that in politics, in parts of the social justice movement, and even in the Church. Did they hurt you? Hurt them back. Get even. Hate them.
But Jesus spoke into that self-serving distortion of justice. “44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven.”
What do you do when you’re angry, when you’re hurt, or when you’re bitter?
You can start by praying for the person who offended you.
You can start by praying for the person who let you down.
You can start by praying for the person who abused you.
As people of Jesus, we pray for our enemies. We pray for those who curse us. And if you do that, your heart will begin to change. It’ll begin to soften. It’ll begin to heal.
Praying for those who hurt you may or may not change them, but it will always change you.
Fourth, there’s one more piece of forgiveness that you need to understand. And it’s not from a verse in the Sermon on the Mount but from a single word. The word that’s translated “forgive” in Greek is aphiemi, and it means “to let go, leave, or abandon.”
Forgiveness is letting go of resentment. It’s leaving bitterness behind. It’s abandoning your desire for punishment or revenge.
Ya see, as we go through life, we pick up some rocks along the way.
Somebody throws shade at you online
Your mom criticizes your job, your parenting, your hair
Your spouse lets you down… again
And eventually, you’re walking around carrying a heavy load, and you have to decide what to do with all these rocks. Some of you decide to carry the weight. You play the martyr. You think that’s the Christian thing to do. Others of you want to go all Cain and Able on the person who wronged you. But you end up usually taking it out on the people who love you. Others let it leak out; small rocks
But Jesus Christ invites you to let it go, to leave your rocks on the foot of the cross. Jesus Christ invites you to forgive.
But there’s more to this word: apheimi. There’s an amazing word picture hidden inside it. In Greek, this is made up of two words: apo = prefix speaks of separation, putting distance between + hiemi = put in motion, send off). So, this word—forgive—literally means “to hurl away from you.” That is the gift of forgiveness, not to the other person but to you.
Some of you are carrying rocks of unforgiveness around, and you just need to hurl that away from you. You’ve been holding onto it for too long, and now it’s time to. It gives a whole new meaning to the verse that says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has God removed our transgressions from us.” Through Christ, God has literally hurled your sins from one horizon to another.
And now, it’s your turn to apheimi, to forgive someone, to let go of your resentment. Because Jesus said: You DO have to forgive them. Forgiveness is not optional.
I’m going to invite the worship team up to play some music. During this time, I want to invite you to grab a scrap paper—from the bulletin, offering envelope, gum wrapper, whatever. And write down the person or the thing you want to forgive.
Upfront here, I’ve got a basket of rocks. These represent the heavy weight of unforgiveness you’re carrying. I want you to walk up and grab a rock and wrap your paper around it. Then, you have two choices.
I want you to leave your rock at the foot of the cross. Let Jesus take your weight. That’s why he died on the cross. OR
I’m going to open up this door to the outside, and you hurl that rock away from you. (We’ll pick them up later.)
God wants to free you from the prison of your resentment. That’s why forgiveness is not optional.
We are brothers and sisters in Christ. That’s why forgiveness is not optional.
God forgave you of so much. That’s why forgiveness is not optional.
