Stop Mind Reading, Clarify Expectations
We routinely play God when we make assumptions about another person or interpret behaviors without verifying the facts. These damage relationships at home, in churches, and at work.
Transcript
Three years ago, RiverLife went through Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. At the time, I had just graduated from seminary studying marriage and family therapy, so as you can imagine, I felt pretty confident about my emotional and spiritual health. But, BOY, WAS I WRONG because
Immediately, Pete Scazzaro convicted me in the very first chapter when he wrote, “It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature” (Scazzero, 2017, p.19).
You see, the little secret I kept away was the ruptured relationship I had with my mom. Like many children, I wanted my parents to be proud of me. And as a child, I observed how my mom doted on my older brother… as many Hmong mothers do…and I always interpreted that to mean that she was not proud of me. I made an assumption that created pain and generated envy within me, and, as a result, I distanced myself from my mom …and, consequently, my dad too.
Shortly after Emotionally Healthy Spiritually, the Spirit counseled me and encouraged me to reach out to my mom…one evening, we sat down at the dining room table, and I asked her for the first: Mom, koj puas txaus sab rua kuv?... Are you proud of me?
With tears in both our eyes, she assured and affirmed me as her daughter…that she was very proud of me. For both of us, our dialogue required tremendous vulnerability and humility. All these years, I assumed that I wasn’t good enough by simply being myself….and I had to do more to gain the admiration of my mom. Today, my mom and I are still growing in our relationship, and it has been a slow and sacred process.
How about you? When have your assumptions and misunderstandings led to confusion and pain? What kind of observations and interpretations have you made along the way…with family, …friends, …co-workers? …or the stranger in front of you at Target?
Here’s the solution: Assumptions break relationships. Clarity builds relationships.
Let’s look to see what the Bible says; we are going to look into the book of Exodus, chapter 20:16. In this chapter, we have the ten commandments delivered by God. Pay attention to the theme and repeated words. Do you notice how the first four commandments address our relationship with God: I’ve highlighted the relationship to God in purple…
In contrast, the last six commandments given by God address our relationship with one another. I’ve highlighted the relationship to one another in green.
The ten commandments embody the relationship to God and the relationship to one another, and this fits perfectly with our series on Emotionally Healthy Relationships.
Today, I will only focus on the ninth commandment in Exodus 20, verse 16. The NIV translation writes: “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.” Now, this sounds simple enough, but my curiosity has me asking three questions:
What is a false testimony?
Who is my neighbor?
What was the purpose of this commandment?
What is a false testimony?
Well, false testimony was a “ misleading statement intended to deceive someone” (Essential Bible Dictionary, 2011)…my 6-year-old nephew Jeremiah would simply define “false testimony” as… a lie.
In the Hebrew Bible, the word “lie, seqer (seh-car), is tied to the root verb saqar (sicker) - which means to lie, to deceive, or to betray” (William D. Mounce, 2006). William Mounce writes: “Everything that is a seqer (seh-car) is opposed to truth and consequently opposed to God. (Mounce, 2006).
Simply put: false testimonies are lies and deception.
Who is my neighbor?
A neighbor was anyone living nearby, such as the locals, or anyone who was near one another (Mounce, 2006). In the Bible, the Hebrew word “rea” (rhia) is “primarily translated as neighbor or friend.” So,... who is my neighbor? Generally speaking, a neighbor can be another person or someone more intimate, like a friend (Mounce, 2006)
What is the purpose of this commandment?
Well, to my surprise, the purpose was threefold: this commandment, You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor, was given so that:
People reflected the character of God.
Truthful testimony would protect a person’s reputation either in the courts or in the community (Zondervan, 2011)
False testimony was seen as destructive to society. In the court of law, even the Israelites required reliable witnesses in their judicial system. And without a truthful witness, their cities risk the loss of law … and order, which could stir chaos and suffering of innocent lives.
Therefore, this command benefited individuals, friends, and the community. Our God is a “truthful God who does not and cannot lie.”
In The Message translation, Exodus 20:16 writes plainly: No lies about your neighbor.
And if you’re looking for a translation that paints a more colorful picture, the Amplified Bible writes: you shall not testify falsely [that is, lie, withhold, or manipulate the truth] against your neighbor (any person).
You see, the source of Truth is God…and the source of lies is the Devil.
Pete Scazzaro says, “we routinely play God when we make assumptions about another person or interpret a certain behavior without verifying the facts.”
If there’s one thing I want you to remember today, it’s this: Assumptions break relationships. Clarity builds relationships.
So, What does this look like for you? How can we live this out practically? Here are TWO skills from our Emotionally Healthy Relationship curriculum: Are you ready?
Stop Mind Reading
The purpose of this skill is: to clarify what another person is thinking or feeling. Wrong assumptions are the source of preventable pain in our relationships. Therefore, slow down, pray, breathe, and clarify what another person is thinking rather than assuming you know! The reality is, when we make assumptions, we start to tell ourselves stories that aren’t true! The Key Principle: Never assume you know what a person is thinking or feeling.
So, here’s a moment to reflect: Can you think of a specific situation when what you were thinking or feeling about someone was untrue, or did you misinterpret the behavior of another person without checking it out? What did you believe incorrectly until you heard the whole truth?
How do we stop mind-reading?
Ask permission to read his/her mind: May I check an assumption I have?
Then say: I think you think…is that correct?
Ask permission with me: May I check an assumption I have?
Say the assumption with me: I think you think…is that correct?
I’m going to practice this with Pastor Kong, Kong, May I check an assumption I have? I think you think…I should do the laundry because I work from home now? Is that correct? Hmong: the word assumption: yug kev xaav. Hmong: the word clarify: qha meej, paub meej.
Pete Scazzaro writes, “We need to stop mind reading because making assumptions without checking them out damages friendships, families, and relationships in churches and workplaces.
Clarify Expectations
Similar to the Stop Mind Reading skill, Clarify Expectations eliminates confusion, pain, and disappointment in relationships. The purpose of this skill is: To recognize whether certain expectations are valid or not and to clarify our expectations with others. The reality is expectations come from many sources: our families, cultures, TV, the internet, schools, and even fairy tales.
What are the problems with many of our expectations?
Unconscious: we have expectations of others we don’t even know we have. We often don’t know we have the expectations until we are disappointed.
Unrealistic: We have expectations that are not reasonable.
Unspoken: We’re conscious of them, and they may be realistic, but they are not spoken
Un-agreed Upon: We have expectations of others that they did not agree to, or others have expectations of us that we did not agree to.
The truth is, confusion around expectations exists in:
Workplaces
Homes and families
Neighborhoods
Churches
So, here’s the million-dollar question: What expectations do we have a right to have and what expectations do we not have a right to have? What is a valid expectation, and what is an invalid expectation?
Valid expectations are:
Conscious: I am aware of my expectation
Realistic: This means there is evidence to support that the expectation is reasonable. Either it has been done in the past, or the person has the capacity and willingness to do it.
Spoken: I have expressed the expectation clearly
Agreed Upon: The other person has agreed to the expectation by saying “yes.”
Key Principle: An expectation is only valid when it is mutually agreed upon. Yog yug ntoob kaas dlaabtsi, tes suavdlawg yuav tsum tau pum zoo.
Pete Scazzaro does identify three exceptions, and they are expectations between
Parent and child (such as chores),
Employer/employee contracts, and
Marriage vows of faithfulness.
Reflection
Can you think of a recent, simple expectation you had that went unmet and made you angry, disappointed, or confused? (For example, someone didn’t return your call, text, or message on Facebook. Maybe a close friend didn’t send you a birthday message or card, your family holiday gathering was filled with tension, or no one helped take out the trash).
Ok, you got a recent expectation, now go through the checklist….
Conscious: were you aware you had this expectation?
Realistic: Is this expectation reasonable? Why? Or why not?
Spoken: Have you clearly spoken the expectation, or do you just think the other person should know?
Agreed Upon: Has the other person agreed to the expectation? Remember, expectations are only valid when they have been mutually agreed upon.
Pete Scazzaro writes: “Clarifying Expectations is about eliminating confusion, pain, and disappointment over unspoken, unrealistic, or un-agreed upon expectations.”
Questions:
How have you seen assumptions break relationships or how clarity builds relationships?
Where else in your life might you have expectations, or be making assumptions of others, that you need to clarify -in your workplace, school, family, or friendships?
What is an expectation someone might have of you that needs clarification? What might your next steps be?
If there’s one thing I want you to remember today, it’s this: Assumptions break relationships. Clarity builds relationships.
Imagine if we all checked our assumptions and clarified our expectations! Imagine how healthy our relationship would be!
I have had the joy and pleasure of checking my assumptions and clarifying expectations with a significant relationship in my life. I’d like to invite Lani up at this time. Eight years ago, Kong’s younger brother, Xau, married a wonderful woman named Lani Lor. And just like that, we became sisters-in-law. Together, we have had our fair share of assumptions and disappointments. And together, we have also experienced healing and growth through humble and vulnerable dialogue. Many people have noticed our connection, but only a few know the humility and commitment required to cultivate a relationship like the one we have. Lani, anything you would like to add?
We once heard this prayer together, and ever since, it has been our little tradition to read it together. Today, we share it with you and invite you to follow along as we read it together.
The Humility Prayer
Lord, by your grace grant that I may…
Let go of the need to do great spectacular things and delight in simply obeying you,
doing small unseen things with great love,
because you my God alone are great.
Let go of the need to convince others of my views and delight in listening to the views of others,
because You O God alone are right in all your ways and understand the hearts of all
Let go of the need to receive praise and delight in honoring others,
because it is enough that You my God delight in me
Let go of the need to know it all and delight in submitting to the All-knowing,
because You O God are beyond knowing
Let go of my need to have more and delight in the provisions you provide for each day,
because You Jehovah Jirah are my provider
Let go of my need to be better than others and delight in the fruit of their good work
because You Creator God are the source of all good things
Let go of my fear that I’m not enough and delight in offering what I am and have to God,
because You alone are all-sufficient
Let go of my need to be loved by others and delight in loving all as Christ loved me,
because You My Father love me with a steadfast love that never changes or ends
Let go of my need to control others and delight in placing all in the strong gentle hands of God because You My Shepherd alone are sovereign
Let go of my need to heroically save others in crisis and delight in waiting upon God,
because You My Rock are our only true hope and salvation
Let go of my empty self-centered ways and delight alone in the fullness of Christ,
because You O God are my all in all
Amen
