Hurting Relationships: Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships, while broken boundaries create broken relationships. Learn to have more of the former and less of the latter.
Series Intro
Welcome to our new series: Help for Hurting Relationships.
Relationships are one of the great joys in life… and one of the greatest sources of pain. We all struggle in relationships. Many of us feel hurt, stuck, or exhausted in difficult relationships but don’t know what to do. The good news is that God cares about our relationships and gives us the wisdom to heal and strengthen them. That’s what this series is all about.
We’re going to kick off by turning to God’s Word for help with Setting Healthy Boundaries.
But first, I want to explain what boundaries are. To do that, I’d like to invite our resident relationships expert, my wife, Pang Foua, to join me on stage.
Intro
Your boundaries shape all your relationships.
If you have good relationships, it’s not because you only have good people around you, although that helps. It’s likely because you have healthy boundaries.
If you have difficult relationships—tension, drama, fights—it’s also not because you have difficult people around you. It’s likely because you have unhealthy boundaries.
News flash—it’s not them; it’s you.
Let me tell you about 22-year-old Greg and 42-year-old Greg and how they handled boundaries.
At twenty-two, I was a high school teacher and swim coach. During a meet, one of my swimmers missed her event, got disqualified, and cost us points. I was harsh with her, and she started crying. Later, her father confronted me, furious: “You’re a meanie and a poopy coach!” (Except he didn’t say meanie and poopy). Full of my fresh-out-of-college confidence, I didn’t even look at him and just said, “Thank you. Thank you very much.” He stormed off even angrier.
Now fast forward 20 years. At forty-two, I was a youth ministry volunteer. One night, a student called me from the mall, furious at life and venting—yelling, cussing. I calmly interrupted: “If you can’t talk to me with respect, I’ll hang up and not answer again. What do you want to do?” He calmed down, and we had a good conversation.
At 22, my boundaries were about protecting my image—and they led to an unhealthy interaction. The problem wasn’t the angry dad; it was me.
At 42, my boundaries were about healthy engagement—I still had an angry person, but I didn’t need to defend myself or fix his problem. That’s the power of healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries lead to healthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries lead to unhealthy relationships. If your life seems to be filled with drama and conflict, it’s not them; it’s you.
Intro
So, how can you develop better, healthier boundaries? First off, I would highly recommend the book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is the defining work on the subject.
Second, we can find some wisdom in the Parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. That was our Scripture Reading earlier, and it’s probably familiar to many of you. But today, I want to look at it as a case study in boundaries.
This parable highlights three different boundary patterns:
The younger son models an unhealthy cut-off. He runs away from family and responsibility.
The older son models unhealthy enmeshment. He is bitter at his brother and father for their behavior.
The father, on the other hand, models healthy boundaries. He allows freedom but enforces consequences and loves abundantly.
Each one of us leans toward one or the other – toward cut-off or enmeshment. None of us just start out as the father. That takes a lot of God-driven transformation.
Bible
Let’s explore how each character in the story illustrates different boundary issues, and which one you might be more like.
Younger Son
Let’s start with the younger son, who demonstrates the extreme of unhealthy boundaries—cut-off. This happens when someone withdraws, avoids issues, or emotionally disconnects rather than addressing problems.
This was young me as a swim coach—so focused on protecting my identity that I dismissed and “cut off” the angry parent.
For the younger son, his cut-off is total. He demands his inheritance, leaves home, and squanders everything. His actions show three classic signs of cut-off:
Rejecting Relationships – By demanding his inheritance, he essentially tells his father, “I wish you were dead.”
Entitlement and Selfishness – He wants the benefits of sonship without responsibility. He’s saying, “I want your money, but I don’t want you.”
Avoiding Consequences – He runs away to escape accountability but eventually faces the natural consequences of his choices.
Let me ask you: Do you tend toward cut-off? Have you ever distanced yourself from a relationship instead of doing the hard work of setting healthy boundaries?
But here’s the beautiful part: The younger son doesn’t stay in his cut-off. After hitting rock bottom, he finally comes to his senses and does two critical things:
He takes personal responsibility—no excuses, no blame, just confession.
He re-engages the relationship—no more avoiding or running, just a humble return.
Older Son
Now, let’s talk about the older son, who demonstrates the other extreme of unhealthy boundaries—enmeshment. This happens when your emotions and identity become overly intertwined with someone else’s choices, making you feel responsible for their decisions and well-being. It’s very similar to codependence.
I don’t really do this much because I grew up in an individualistic, white American family. But if you grew up in a Hmong family or another highly collectivist culture, then enmeshment is probably part of your relational playbook.
The older son is emotionally tangled up in his father’s grace toward his brother. He refuses to celebrate and resents both his father and his brother. His reaction shows three classic signs of enmeshment: [8]
Resentment & bitterness – He’s angry that his irresponsible baby brother is welcomed back and throws a pretty epic oldest-child tantrum. “I won’t go inside!”
Conditional love – He believes his father’s approval is earned, not freely given. “I’ve slaved for you all these years! Where’s my party?”
Lack of personal responsibility – Instead of owning his emotions, he blames his father for not rewarding him. “This is your fault. You’re spoiling that bad son.”
So, do you tend toward enmeshment in your relationships? Do you base your worth on other’s approval or feel responsible for their choices?
Father
Now, let’s look at the alternative—the father. The father lovingly welcomes the younger son back while lovingly addressing the older son’s resentment. He balances love, freedom, and responsibility with both sons.
He allows freedom without controlling, chasing, or enabling.
When the younger son demands his inheritance, the father gives it to him and lets him go.
He allows his son to experience the natural consequences of his choices without trying to rescue him.
He welcomes the son back with grace, not shame.
When the younger son returns, the father runs to him—but does not scold or lecture.
He restores the relationship without bringing up past failures.
He invites the older son to the celebration without forcing him.
When the older son refuses to come inside, the father goes out to him.
He listens to the older son’s grievances without being defensive.
He reminds the older son of his own sonship and blessings.
The father remains steady, loving, and secure in his actions, despite both sons reacting with anger and immaturity. He doesn’t take on their emotions. He models grace and truth—offering love freely but also allowing space for each son to take personal responsibility.
The father’s boundaries create healthy relationships.
He loves freely but doesn’t enable irresponsibility.
He invites but doesn’t force.
He listens but doesn’t absorb others' emotions.
He welcomes repentance but doesn’t erase consequences.
The father in this parable reflects God’s perfect balance of grace, truth, and responsibility—and gives us a model for healthy boundaries in our relationships.
Application
We’ve seen three different boundary patterns in this parable—the younger son’s cut-off, the older son’s enmeshment, and the father’s healthy balance of love, freedom, and responsibility.
Now, let’s turn this inward and ask: What about you? Here are four things you can do this week to develop healthier boundaries and healthier relationships.
1. Identify your Boundary Pattern
Each of us leans toward either cut-off or enmeshment in our relationships.
Do you tend toward cut-off?
Do you distance yourself from people instead of doing the hard work of setting boundaries?
Do you avoid conflict, shut people out, or withdraw when things get tough?
Do you tend toward enmeshment?
Do you feel responsible for other people’s emotions, decisions, or happiness?
Do you base your worth on others’ approval and struggle to say “no”?
2. Break Your Cycle: Take One Step Toward Healthier Boundaries
Healthier boundaries don’t just happen—they require intentional growth. Here’s one step you can take this week:
If you lean toward cut-off – Instead of withdrawing, lean into the relationship, set a healthy boundary, and communicate it clearly. Don’t just disappear. Address the issue with honesty and love.
If you lean toward enmeshment – Stop taking on other people’s emotions. Set a clear “yes” or “no” without guilt. Let others take responsibility for their own choices. You don’t have to rescue them.
3. Recognize That Boundaries Lead to Freedom
Setting boundaries can feel scary, but here’s the truth.
Boundaries don’t push people away. They create space for healthy connections.
Boundaries aren’t selfish. They allow you to love others without resentment or exhaustion.
Boundaries aren’t about control. They’re about personal responsibility and letting go of what isn’t yours to carry.
4. Follow the Father’s Example
Love without controlling. You can care for people without chasing, fixing, or enabling.
Give freedom but allow consequences. Don’t protect people from what will help them grow.
Invite, but don’t force. You can offer grace, but each person is responsible for their own choices.
Prayer
I want to close by giving you an opportunity to ask God for wisdom in your boundaries. I’m gonna put three prayer questions on the screen.
I want you to ask God one (or more) of these questions and then listen for an answer.
Where do I need to set or strengthen a boundary?
Who do I need to stop cutting off and instead engage with love and truth?
Who do I need to release from my emotional responsibility and trust God with?
