Fight Cleanly
We tend to ignore difficult issues in relationships, hoping they will somehow go away. It doesn't. We learn, sooner or later, that you can't build Christ's kingdom on lies and pretense.
Transcript
I am the oldest daughter of seven children. In the Hmong world, that means there were many times I felt like a third parent in the home…or the car. With that said, I definitely felt entitled to correcting and helping my younger siblings, especially my two younger sisters, Phuab and Zuag. And that seemed to work ok… when we were all kids; however, I learned slowly and painfully that it didn't go well as adults.
You see, as grown-ups, I noticed that when I asserted my thoughts and opinions. My correcting felt condescending and helping felt humiliating. And that wasn’t the worst of it. When they eventually shared how hurtful or humiliating I was, I would explain my rights as an older sister and why I was right. And all that lecturing I did was to justify my actions.
Eventually, with many “she-did-not-just-hang-up-on-me” moments, God humbled my heart to hear my sister's pain and apologize. I’ve learned, and I’m still learning, that when I’m more focused on being right, there’s only room for winning, which means I’m choosing me instead of the relationship with God or my sisters.
How about you? Do you prioritize being right? Or being in right relationship? With God, your family, friends, or co-workers?
Here’s the point I want you to remember: Being in right relationship is more important than being right.
Let’s look to see what the Bible says about this. Go ahead and open up your Bible or follow along on the screen. We’ll be reading Daniel 1:8-17 The book of Daniel starts after the fall of Jerusalem.
Daniel was a young man at the time, and he was carried off to Babylon as a slave And then trained by the king for three years in leadership. Part of that training included a daily amount of food and wine from the king’s table. Let’s read Daniel verse 8…
“But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. 9 Now God had caused the official to show favor and compassion to Daniel, 10 but the official told Daniel, “I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have. my. head, because of you.”
At first glance, this story seems to be about food laws. Which is true, but incomplete. So, what is this passage about? I believe these verses highlight two of Daniel’s relationships,
The first, Daniel’s relationship to God, and Daniel’s relationship to people. Right away, we are introduced to the first relationship: Daniel and God. In verse 8, it says that Daniel “resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine.” Meaning that Daniel was determined to resist the meat and wine served to him.
But why? Daniel didn’t want to eat the royal food because of the food laws, which were significant teachings to the Israelites. If you look at the first five books of the bible, it is filled with instructions regarding commands and ceremonies.
So, what was the purpose of all these instructions? The truth is, God didn’t give food and ceremonial laws as the purpose of life. The purpose of the laws were to instill and “insist on an exclusive relationship with one God: Yahweh, God of Israel”
Let’s look at the second relationship: Daniel’s relationship to people. We’ll start with Daniel’s interaction with the chief official and the guard. Verse 9 says that “God caused the official to show favor and compassion to Daniel.”
Now, Daniel, being a good Israelite man, asked for permission not to defile himself with the food and wine. And even though the chief and Daniel had a good relationship, the chief had some of his own concerns. And they were legitimate! His head could be chopped off! So, what should Daniel do? Deny the food and risk the life of the guards? Or... Eat the royal food and turn his back on traditions?
Let’s see what happens in verse 11,
“Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, 12 ‘Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.’ 14 So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.”
What does Daniel end up doing? He negotiates with the guard. Daniel says let’s try this for 10 days: give us only veggies and water and then compare us to the other men who are eating the king’s food. At the end, you can make a final decision based on what you see. BOLD MOVE, Daniel! And how does the guard respond?! The Guard actually agreed!
I also want to highlight another relationship That is present, but unspoken. And that is Daniel’s relationship to Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. Each of them knew and understood the instructions of food and preparation laws as young Israelites.
But what rights do slaves have? With Daniel as their spokesperson, all the young Israelites were in agreement, took a risk, and kept their relationship with God by negotiating a diet of vegetables and water.
Let’s read the rest of this chapter…
15 At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead. 17 To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions And dreams of all kinds.
Not only did Daniel and his friends live but they also looked healthier than any of the other young men who ate the royal food. You see, Daniel could have prioritized his need to follow traditions as an Israelite. Daniel could have rebelled or manipulated his way with the guards. But he didn’t. Why? Because Daniel prioritized his need to be in right relationship, over his need to be right. Remember that God gave food and ceremonial laws, but not as the purpose of life. The purpose was to nurture a trusting and loving relationship with God!
If there’s one thing I want you to remember today, it’s this: Being in right relationship is more important than being right. So, what does right relationship with God and others look like for you? In the last five weeks, we’ve quoted many times that you cannot be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature. We also learned six different skills from Emotionally Healthy Relationships. They were:
The community temperature reading
Stop mind reading
Clarify expectations
Explore the iceberg
Listen incarnationally
Climb the ladder of integrity
Today, we’re going to learn the Fight Cleanly skill. But before I share the skill of Fight Cleanly, I want to set some realistic expectations for this skill First, we must understand that conflict happens on a spectrum—meaning, conflict can be about taking out the trash or an entire church split.
Next, think of this skill Fight Cleanly as a beginner’s conflict-resolution tool. This tool is not addressing LARGE And long-standing conflicts. Lastly, keep in mind that fighting clean builds on all the other skills we’ve covered in EHR So… let me ask you… How good are you at the other skills?... Have you been practicing them?... And, are you getting comfortable with them? All these skills build and help one another!
The purpose of the Fight Cleanly skill is: To resolve conflict as emotionally mature adults, by eliminating “dirty fighting” and taking responsibility for a difficult issue.
Jesus modeled true peacemaking, and conflict was a part of His life and ministry. He brought disruption to bring true peace. He did not avoid conflict or appease people. He didn’t ignore tensions or differences.
The key principle to the Fight Cleanly skill is: True peace will never come by pretending that what is wrong…is right. In other words, true peacemakers love God and others enough to disrupt false peace. We think that peacemaking is avoiding conflict at all costs so that nobody gets upset.
We think we are supposed to be nice, so we say nothing and can end up in what is called a “false peace” For this reason, fighting clean is a core discipleship issue for all of us. It is also important that we look for ways we do dirty fighting. I’m going to show a list of dirty fighting tactics on the screen. There’s also a list in your bulletin. Give yourself a little check mark next to the ones that apply to you. Maybe it’s… silent treatment, criticizing, or yelling. Or like me, it’s lecturing, blaming, and condescension.
The truth is, a clean fight isn’t a fight, but an agreement between two people for the sake of the relationship. Let me say that again, a clean fight isn’t a fight, but an agreement between two people for the sake of the relationship. The person asking for the fight recognizes that it’s their issue and they care enough to take responsibility for something important to them
rather than blaming the other person. The person listening to the issue cares enough to consider what is important to someone they care about and they are willing to negotiate.
So, are you ready for 8 steps to a Clean Fight? Let’s look! There’s also a printout in your bulletin!
Ask for permission. Then state the problem. Start with “I notice…”
State why it is important to you. Say “I value…”
Fill in the following sentence. “When you … _____, I feel…_____”
State your request clearly, respectfully, and specifically. Say “I’d like to ask that…”
As the Listener: consider the request. In a few sentences, share your feelings and perspective. You can say “What I heard you say is…” Also, as the listener, it’s ok to use the exact words the speaker used!
Then the Speaker: Will agree to the request or offer an alternative. And then the listener responds.
Together, write your agreement The Speaker: shares their understanding of agreement, and then the Listener: shares their understanding of the agreement
Review the agreement in two to four weeks.
We are going to watch a fighting clean video of Jessica and her mom. Jessica has returned from living on campus, she’s 22 years old, and she’s experiencing tension with her mom because of all the advice her mom keeps giving her. As we watch, look for the 8 steps of fighting clean.
Many of us believe that conflict is a sign that something is going wrong. But it may actually indicate that something is going right. and that’s because conflict is normal and necessary, especially if relationships are to enter into their next level of growth.
Pete Scazzaro says that “96% of arguments are determined in the first 3 mins of a conversation. So, you want to be careful in how you start a conversation. And if you need to start over, do it! But what if you found yourself in a fight that is COMPLEX and requires significant skills to unpack?
When that happens, you will want to speak to a mature mentor, pastor, or professional counselor. Because conflict and fighting clean are significant moments for our discipleship in Christ.
As you do the courageous work of fighting clean, expect God to mold you in new ways into the image of His son Jesus. Remember when we started off Reading Daniel chapter 1? What’s the connection between Daniel and the Fight Cleanly skill?
They both prioritize relationship with God and others over the desire to be right. Now, it’s your turn to share. Here are three questions to discuss at your table. They are also in your bulletin, and for online folks, you can chat among the people at home or join the Zoom call. aTake 15 mins to share your thoughts with one another…
All right, go ahead and wrap up your final thoughts. Welcome back. If there’s one thing I want you to remember today, it’s this: Being in right relationship is more important than being right
Imagine if we all strived for a right and loving relationship, instead of being right? Imagine how healthy our families, church, and community would be if our loving relationship with God was reflected in our relationships with people?! We have learned about Emotionally Healthy Relationships for the past six weeks.
What’s the big takeaway from this series?! It’s that this kind of discipleship radically transforms relationships. Emotionally Healthy Relationship helps us to do the second greatest thing God has called us to do…love others!
God be with you!
