Repairing Ruptures
Repair cracks in your relationship by responding positively to your spouse’s bids for attention, connection, or support. Turning towards each other, even in small ways, builds intimacy and emotional connection.
Transcript
INTRO
We are deep into our relationship series: Married Friends
This title makes me smile because I literally married my friend, Pastor Kong Moua.
We met in 8th grade, here, at the St. Paul campus. We were friends for seven years, dated for about two years, and then got married. We celebrate 16 years of marriage this May.
I won’t take you all the way back to when we first met. But, I’ll take you back to January first, it was the start of a new year, Kong and I had a late night on New years Eve, and a long day of running errands. Late into the evening I had missed some important details that led to lots of detours and delays. It felt chaotic and the our patience was wearing thin. Eventually, we made our way home and I felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment from Kong and dissatisfaction in me.
When we pulled up to the drive way, I informed Kong, “I’m going out for a drive.” His response: Knock yourself out.
I drove off with 1% left on my phone and no charger. Good, I don’t want to be reached anyways. So immature! I didn’t know how long the drive would be, but I didn’t care. My thoughts were: you can’t be upset with me…because I’m upset with you. So…manipulative.
Four hours… later, I returned home with a dead phone and a heart made of stone. I knew I had to face Kong but, it didn’t matter what he was doing or how he was feeling.
When I reached the living room, “Hey” was all that I said, as though nothing happened. I walked away and Kong quietly approached me.
Can you guess what his first words were? What would you have said?
Where have you been!?! …Anger
Did you…knock yourself out? …Sarcasm
You ignored my call? …Criticism
Kong’s first words were:
“I must have hurted you really bad to make you do something like this…” Those were wise words coming from a wounded …and worried husband. Kong’s first words that night was a bid to turn towards me, instead of away
That’s the wisdom we’re going to explore today: Turning toward each other, instead of away.
Dr. John Gottman’s third principle of making marriage work focuses on all the mini-moments in our day that has the potential to help us turn toward or away from connection.
Turning Toward
Gottman believes that each time we turn toward each other it is a bid for attention, affection, humor, or support. And all of this cultivates romance.
Gottman believes that romance is not dependant on a two-week get away to the Bahamas. Actually, as funny as It sounds, romance can be strengthened in the grocery store when your partner asks “are we out of eggs?” and you answer “I don’t know, let me get some just in case”
…instead of shrugging it off.
In these mundane moments, you can respond to your partner’s bid by turning toward them or away. And a tendency to turn toward your partner is at the core of building trust, passion, and connection.
Here’s what Gottman says about it: “Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress of conflict.”
This quote helps us understand the significance of deposits in our relationships. More specifically, bids are verbal and non-verbal gestures people offer for positive connection.
When you respond to bids by turning toward each other you nurture trust and romance in your marriage. These small bids often can make a big difference.
So, is your marriage primed for romance?
To get a sense of how your relationship is doing with turning toward one another, I’m going to have you answer the following true/false questions:
1. We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV.
2. I look forward to spending my free time with my partner.
3. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views.
4. Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests.
How did you do?
Is turning toward an area of strength in your marriage? Or does your relationship need some improvement?
If you enjoyed this insight, then on the back of your bulletin we have a full list that you can read and respond with true or false statements. You can even score yourself!
Gottman says that the “masters of marriage” (happily married couples) turn toward each other 86 percent of the time.
Meanwhile, the “disasters of marriage” (couples who are broken up or unhappy) only turn towards each other 33 percent of the time.
So, why is this principle of turning toward one another so important? Because the reality of life is that conflict and stress will arise, and when they do, we need wisdom to turn toward our partner…
We need wisdom to sustain our marriage.
What does the bible say about the wisdom of turning towards instead of away?
There’s so much! And the bible is quite clear about it.
Before diving into our passage, I’d like to help you better understand our reading. Here’s a brief video about the book of Proverbs
Now that we have a good sense of the book of Proverbs,
Let’s read our passage again together. And this time pay attention to the the virtues and vices:
1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
2 The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
3 The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.
4 The soothing tongue is a tree of life,
but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.
5 A fool spurns a parent’s discipline,
but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.
6 The house of the righteous contains great treasure, but the income of the wicked brings ruin.
7 The lips of the wise spread knowledge, but the hearts of fools are not upright.
8 The LORD detests the sacrifice of the wicked, but the prayer of the upright pleases him.
1 The LORD detests the way of the wicked,
but he loves those who pursue righteousness.
In this particular passage, the virtues are “wise and righteous”. And these virtues are invitations from the Holy Spirt. This type of wisdom is divine and feels lifegiving, refreshing, and fulfilling
In contrast, the vices in this passage are “fool and wickedness”. These vices we are the ones we are being warned against. This way of life leads to defeat and foolishness. Self-wisdom feels draining, exhausting, and incomplete
Some define wisdom as skillful decisions a person makes in various interactions with people. Other’s define wisdom as choices a person makes for the greater good. At it’s core, wisdom factors the wellbeing of relationships and humanity.
So, here’s the million dollar question: how do we obtain wisdom? Is there hope for you? For me?
Yes, there is. Proverbs 1:7 says:
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Wisdom starts with God. The first step towards wisdom is bowing down to God, and acknowledging God’s Divine Wisdom.
The truth is that self-wisdom is no wisdom at all. And if it sounds clever, the credit belongs to God Because wisdom is the attribute of God. And like any relationship, the only way to understand anyone’s attributes is to spend time with them. Thankfully, by the grace of God, ANYONE can interact with Divine Wisdom…put it to work, and develop it…and when an individual exercises good decisions from the Holy Spirit, they will encounter God and experience order, beauty, and justice
However, if an individual depends on their own wisdom - they become self-focused…and in turn develop self-centered thoughts and in turn encounter chaos, foolishness, and wickedness.
Wisdom is interpersonal. It is not just advice you take, it’s the character of God, wisdom IS God. and like any relationship, to learn God’s attributes, you have turn toward God, stand in awe and amazement, wonder and reverence of God.
Jerry Vine writes: “Spiritual life is not just lived in times of silent meditation or deep thought about our eternal destiny—it is lived out in daily tasks here on earth. Physical life and the tasks involved therein matter.”
We can live with Divine wisdom or self-wisdom. We can live with God’s understanding or our own.
I’ve asked Kong a couple of times now, how did you decide what to say to me that night on January 1? His answer, it was the only response that would work.
Kong’s wisdom was a bid to turn towards God and to me, instead of away
Application
How can you choose Divine wisdom and turn toward your partner instead of away? Here are some concrete action items to strengthen your relationship:
Show genuine interest and stay focused on your partner.
Don’t let your eyes and mind wander. Ask questions, nod, and say “Uh-huh.”
Thank your partner for moments when they turn toward you.
It’s important to express your appreciation for the little and big things.
Identify one obstacle that hinders you from turning toward your partner.
Don’t mask your bids of connection with criticism. Where do you deposit your time and affection?
Identify and commit to just one action today.
Conclusion
A battle is raging in our lives for our focus and our hearts. Will we live for God or for ourselves? Will we turn toward or away?
The Holy Spirit invites us to learn how to live in a way that pleases God, and in the process, we will discover that living according to God’s wisdom will lead to a healthier life and relationships.
