How do you handle Christian family with different values than yours?
What can you do when Christian family members have different beliefs and values from you? Do you strive for unity, disagreement, or just peace at the dinner table?
Transcript
INTRO
Today, in our Ask: Because Your Questions Matter series, we are addressing the question, How do you handle Christian family with different values than yours?
This is a great question, and it reminds me of an incident when I had a difference with another ministry colleague in my Christian family a couple of years ago.
MY EXPERIENCE OF DIFFERENCES IN THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY
Back in 2021, when Daunte Wright was killed by former Brooklyn Center police officer Kim Potter, I went to Facebook to share my thoughts on the tragedy.
I felt torn by the situation after hearing the news that the police officer mistook her pistol for her Taser.
I also wished Daunte Wright cooperated with the authorities, but I knew I had no idea what it was like to be a black person or a police officer.
From the tragedy, I felt like I needed to be more competent in what I’m an “expert” in to avoid mistakes that could be costly.
I wanted to make sure that I would be competent with my skills and abilities as a believer, a husband, a pastor, and simply as a human on earth so that it wouldn’t hurt someone.
I was met with sympathy from most, but there was one colleague who seemed to question my faithfulness in being a ministry leader.
When others responded to his comments, it turned into a warzone.
It got so bad, that I decided to delete the post.
I was so frustrated with this individual that I messaged him and shared how frustrated I felt and told him I didn’t care to hear his explanation and turned off notifications from him.
I was so frustrated that someone who believed in Jesus, read the Bible, and prayed to God could see this situation in such a different light and come off in such an unloving way and rude attitude.
It wasn’t usual to see other believers act like this on social media, but to personally know someone who acted like this felt so horrible.
It felt divisive.
I felt like a hypocrite because I came from the same faith community that he did where we proclaimed the truth of a loving God who calls us to love others, but in my opinion, this was far from loving.
I felt like I needed to apologize on his behalf to my friends he was rude to for the sake of the gospel.
I felt ashamed to be associated with Christians who acted like this.
In all honesty, I felt like I didn’t ever want to associate with him again.
Looking back, I wish I handled it differently.
Have you ever been in a situation like this?
What happens when your Christian family has different values than yours?
Maybe it hasn’t gotten to the level where we want to disassociate or cut off, but I’m sure we experience tension when our opinions are different from other Christians about issues like same-sex relationships, abortion, politics, gender, and race or the “right” understanding of the Bible and theology or if you’re going to a gospel-centered church.
If you’ve experienced the tension, what do you do?
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Before we go any further, I’d like to offer two resources on this topic.
One of my favorite podcasts, The Holy Post, has a mini-series called “Why I’m Still a Christian” where they interview believers who have been shunned by the larger Christian community because they have a different stance on a particular issue.
The two current available episodes feature Lecrae, a hip-hop artist who was celebrated in white evangelical circles but faced conflict when he spoke up about the recent racial justice issues in America.
And Kristen Du Mez (May), the author of “Jesus and John Wayne.” Kristen looks at toxic masculinity and misogyny within white evangelicalism and its impact on American history and culture.
I mentioned the Holy Post last week, too, and I love them because they tackle some big issues.
The second resource is an article called “A Place Called Community” written by Parker Palmer who offers a perspective that the problems we experience in our community are not obstacles, but opportunities to refine our understanding so that we can grow.
PERSONAL DIFFERENCES IN THE BIBLE
Now, it might feel like believers having different values from other believers is a newer issue, but it has been an issue all throughout the Bible.
In the Old Testament, a large chunk of the spiritual leaders dealt with this.
The prophets would share God’s desire with the nation’s leaders and the people that he was ministering to, and generally, the leaders and people would ignore what the prophet had to say. Instead, they would carry out their spiritual business in their own way, which often resulted in consequences and judgment.
In the New Testament, Jesus had 12 disciples who all recognized him as the Son of God and the Savior, but based on their jobs, they probably saw things very differently.
Matthew was a tax collector who worked for the Roman government.
This was your typical white-collar job that required education and reputation to get into.
Andrew, Peter, James, and John were your average Joes working hard as fishermen just trying to earn a living.
And then you get Simon who was a Zealot, not necessarily a job, but the Zealots were violent extremists looking to overthrow the Roman government.
Although we don’t get any stories of the interaction between Jesus’ disciples, imagine what that dynamic was like among the disciples.
You’ve got one guy working and benefitting from an oppressive empire, you’ve got another guy who wants to overthrow the oppressive empire, and you have 4 other guys who are just trying to make it.
Even the early church leaders experienced differences.
Paul and Barnabas were sent out as missionaries and Barnabas’ cousin, Mark, tagged along on their first missionary journey together.
During the trip, Mark decides to leave Paul and Barnabas likely because he was discouraged and wanted to return home.
After Paul and Barnabas return from their first missionary trip, they eventually decide to go back to visit and Barnabas wants to take Mark, but Paul doesn’t because he felt like Mark deserted them.
Acts 15:39 describes their differences as “a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left.”
Barnabas was one of the first believers who accepted Paul as a believer and welcomed him in, even before the disciples because they were afraid of his previous life as a persecutor.
Two faithful ministry leaders who worked well together but disagreed over a difference and separated.
Thankfully, we learn that Paul and Barnabas reconciled their differences seeing how Paul and Mark do ministry with each other again.
In Philemon 1:24, Paul describes Mark as his “fellow worker” and in 2 Timothy 4:11 Paul describes Mark as “helpful to me in my ministry.”
PAUL TEACHES ON HOW TO HANDLE DIFFERENCES
I know I’ve assumed that every believer should agree or have the same belief as me, but that’s obviously not the case.
If everyone believed the same thing you or I did, we might find ourselves in an echo chamber where our beliefs and opinions are reinforced by others who have the same beliefs and opinions, and alternative ideas are not allowed into the space.
Echo chambers are generally unhealthy because they only allow a very narrow view of things.
It's very normal to experience differences with other believers, at least here on earth, but we need to learn how to handle it in a godly way.
Paul provided a lot of instruction when it came to dealing with differences.
The one passage I want to highlight today to help us understand how we can handle our differences is in Colossians 3:1-17, which was read during our scripture reading time.
In Colossians, Paul specifically instructs believers on how they should deal with differences with false teachers, but I think the concepts are just as relevant to help us handle differences with other believers.
Let me highlight some of the things that Paul says.
In Colossians 3:1-2 Paul reminds the church of this.
“1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, no on earthly things.”
Paul reminds them that they have been raised with Christ, so they can’t think and act like they used to.
Instead, they need to think and act like Christ.
In order to think and act like Christ, there are behaviors that the believers need to get rid of, so in verse 8 he lists these behaviors.
“But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”
These behaviors are specifically tied to the unhealthy and sinful way we approach others with our attitude and speech.
The first is anger, an on-going feeling of dislike or hatred towards someone. Rage is an intense form of anger that results in violent outbursts.
Malice is an intentional attitude that seeks to harm a person and their reputation with words. [19] Slander is speaking harshly and arrogantly of others.
Filthy language is meant to insult and abuse another person.
If Paul encourages the believers not to speak like this towards false teachers, I think it paints us a picture of how much more graceful we need to be when it comes to speaking to other believers who have different values from us.
The NIV Application Commentary offers this insight,
“Christian speech is not determined solely by whether it is true or false, but whether it helps or harms another.”
What we have to say might be true, but if it is said in a harmful way, it’s not helpful.
So what are we to do?
In verses 12-14, Paul offers this solution. Let me read this to us.
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Paul uses fashion language of putting on your outfit of the day by encouraging the believers to clothe themselves.
A couple of verses before this, he tells the believers to put on the new self, similar language to dressing yourself.
Put on and clothe yourselves with the Christ-like qualities of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
Compassion is caring for those in need.
Kindness is a genuine care for another person’s feelings and desires.
Humility is serving others without caring if others notice or not.
Gentleness is uniquely described in this passage as “the power, which, in a situation of conflict, enables us to criticize another’s conduct so that they experience it as help and not as condemnation.”
Wow!
And patience is a willingness not to seek revenge but endure the faults of the perpetrator in order to forgive them.
Patience allows us to forgive when it’s needed.
And all these things must be done in the spirit of love.
All these things must be done with love.
These are the qualities we need to have so that when we experience differences with our Christian families, we can handle them in a healthy way.
Now you may have heard of these qualities elsewhere in the Bible.
They are commonly known as the fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22-23.
What’s unique about Colossians is that we’re encouraged to put on and clothe ourselves with these characteristics, whereas Galatians tells us these qualities are the byproduct we receive when we believe in Jesus.
I think what Galatians and Colossians together are trying to tell is that when we believe in Jesus, we’re given these qualities, and we have to intentionally choose to put them on so we can demonstrate these to others.
Now, earlier, I shared my regrets of wishing to handle my differences with a ministry colleague differently, and thankfully I was able to connect with him in person a few months after the incident.
We were able to hear each other out, apologize and name our mistakes, learn from each other, and agree on certain things but be okay with disagreeing on other things.
I personally think my relationship with him can still improve, but it’s better than where it was.
I think these are some practical steps that you can take if you’ve experienced differences with other believers in your family, or it could be good preparation because I think it’s a matter of when, not if.
APPLICATION
So here are 4 things you can do.
An article on The Gospel Coalition titled “Exit the Echo Chamber. It’s Time to Persuade.” by Brett McCracken was helpful in providing some language on these practical steps, so here they are.
1. Watch Your Tone
Now, this might feel a bit odd because we don’t experience differences in person as much anymore with social media, text messages, and emojis, but I strongly encourage you to handle your differences in person or at least through a phone call.
It’s so easy to misinterpret a Facebook post, a text, or an emoji, so it’s important to address our differences in person so we can watch for cues like our tones.
I can tell when I’m starting to get irritated with someone because my tone gets sharp.
I speak a little louder and I don’t engage with eye contact.
It’s important to be aware of what you’re saying and how you’re saying it.
Even if you’re right, “You can make saying the right thing the wrong thing when you say it the wrong way. That’s a quote I borrowed and adapted from Daniel Yang, the director of the Church Multiplication Institute.
So, address your differences in person and watch your tone.
2. Be Willing to Teach And Be Teachable.
Challenge what the other person is saying and be challenged by what they are saying. Respectfully share what you think and listen to what the other person has to offer.
When Jesus encountered differences with the religious leaders, he would ask questions. Questions can help clarify, they can help you better understand the concern that the other person has.
This could be a great learning opportunity for you if you are willing to put on humility and you can also invite the other to learn too.
Make it a dialogue, don’t just tell.
3. It’s Okay to Disagree on Some Without Disagreeing on Everything.
Find a common ground that you agree on, but you don’t have to agree with everything.
It might even be helpful to start talking about what you agree on before you mentioned the disagreements.
We can still be in relation with each other without agreeing on everything.
4. If Necessary, Set Boundaries.
Paul and Barnabas had a disagreement about Mark that caused them to separate, but they all came back and reconciled.
You might need to separate yourself from them but do not cut them off. Take time to cool off and resolve the difference another time.
It might seem like a healthy relationship isn’t supposed to have differences and conflicts, but I’d argue that a relationship without it is superficial. The lack of difference and conflict can be concerning because there’s no depth.
Closing
As we come to an end, I mentioned an article earlier called “A Place Called Community” by Parker Palmer. He describes a true community by saying this.
“The great danger in our utopian dreams of community is that they lead us to want association with people just like ourselves…that it will be an extension and expansion of our own egos, a confirmation of our own partial view of reality.
But in true community, we do not choose our companions. Instead, they are given to us by grace.
In fact, true community might be defined as that place where the person we least want to live with always lives…
Community can break our minds and our egos open to the experience of a God who cannot be contained.
Community will constantly remind us that our grip on truth is fragile and incomplete, that we need many ears to hear, the fullness of God’s word.”
Let the differences that you experience with other Christians, whether it’s the people in your family or the people in this church or other pastors and church leaders you follow, be moments where you listen for Jesus’ voice.
It could be an opportunity for you to hear the fullness of God’s word for your life.
Let's pray.