Tamar was a princess, the daughter of King David, who was raped by her half-brother Amnon, who was obsessed with having her. Her assault left her grieved and traumatized, yet there seemed no justice for her. (2 Samuel 13)

Transcript

INTRODUCTION AND GREETING

Good Morning RiverLife family! My name is Alicia Thoj and I’m the Community Engagement Director. It is good to be here this morning with all of you and a privilege for me to share the story of Tamar today. If you have been following along with our current series, we are in week 5 of “When Love Hurts: Christian Perspectives on Domestic Violence.”

TRAGIC STORY IN ANDOVER

But before we read the story together I want to pause to acknowledge a tragedy that happened on Friday, March 10 in Andover, MN. There was a young Hmong couple that was involved in a domestic violence situation. The husband shot the wife first and then turned the gun back on himself. They both passed. and will be leaving behind 3 young children. Such a tragedy. My heart aches and cries for what the family went through and what the children will have to go through in their life journey without their parents. Sadly, this is not the first story of domestic violence in the Hmong community nor will it be the last.

My hope today is that as we hear about Tamar’s story we will become courageous advocates for our families, friends, and people who need us in the community.

SCRIPTURE READING

I will be reading from 2 Samuel 13:1-22 NIV.

In this story, there are 4 main characters: King David and three of his children–two sons, Amnon and Absolom, who were princes, and his daughter Tamar, who was a princess.

1 In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.

2 Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.

3 Now Amnon had an adviser named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. 4 He asked Amnon, “Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?”

Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.”

5 “Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.’”

6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.”

7 David sent word to Tamar at the palace: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.” 8 So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. 9 Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat.

“Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him. 10 Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. 11 But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.”

12 “No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. 13 What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” 14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.

15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”

16 “No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.”

But he refused to listen to her. 17 He called his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.” 18 So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. 19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.

20 Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.

21 When King David heard all this, he was furious. 22 And Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.

PERSONAL TRANSITION

When I read this story, I felt anger, disgust, sadness, helplessness, shame, rage, and distrust. Those are a lot of negative feelings. Some positive feelings that I felt were compassion, love, care, and empathy. As you read stories like this or hear of tragic news, it’s good to name what’s happening in your body.

Family life is HARD even in King David’s family. If you have been around church, you probably know King David’s story where he was considered a “man after God’s own heart” and knocked down Goliath, a giant, and yet he also had another man murdered so that he could steal their wife Bathsheba. This is a recipe for family disaster.

PROBLEMS IDENTIFIED IN THE PASSAGE

In this passage, we see this disaster played out in five different ways.

1. LUST
Tamar’s half-brother Amnon lusted after her because she was a virgin and because she was beautiful. Scripture says that he was so obsessed with her that he made himself ill. The definition of lust is a very strong sexual desire. When you hear the story start off with a half-brother lusting after his sister your intuition is already telling you this is not going to end well.

2. BAD COUNSEL
Amnon shares his obsession with his cousin Jonadab who gives him an evil plan. He tells Amnon to fake his illness and to ask for Tamar to come cook for him so that he can rape her. Unfortunately, Amnon carries out the plan and it all worked out when Amnon had her isolated in his bedroom. Amnon went to the wrong person for advice and naturally got bad advice.

3. RAPE
This is an evil crime that was committed against Tamar. She did not want this. She did not ask for this. She was a victim of her half-brother’s sinful thoughts and actions. Theologians agree that because King David had King Uriah murdered so that he could steal Bathsheba to make her his wife. There would be a judgment that would fall on his family through his children. Amnon did what his father also did by taking what was not his. Like father, like son.

4. REJECTION
After he rapes her, he has his servant put her out of his room. He could have easily made her his wife but after he fulfilled his lust, he threw her away. He knew that kicking her out would shift her destiny and that there would be a huge potential of her never getting married since she was no longer a virgin. She even told him, “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.” He still puts her out anyways and does not marry her.

5. SILENCE
Tamar leaves Amnon’s place. She put ashes on her head and tore the robe that she had worn and cried all the way to her brother Absalom’s home. What does he say to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” Scripture shares that she lived in her brother’s house as a desolate woman. A few definitions of desolate are joyless, sorrowful, deserted, lonely, hopeless, and sad. Scripture doesn’t share anything else about her story. Nothing else is known of her later life and death. The trauma she experienced in that one incident lived with her for the rest of her life.

Another problem regarding silence is that when word reached King David, their father, about his first-born son, Amnon, who had raped his daughter Tamar. Scripture said he was furious. End of the sentence. King David didn’t say or do anything about it.

SUMMARY OF PROBLEMS

We have all encountered some of these problems in our family life: Lust, Bad Counsel, Rape, Rejection, and Silence. We might have experienced one or two or all of these acts against us.

I know I did growing up. As a child, I experienced domestic violence at home. I wished someone had helped us. Many who did help used passive tools but never addressed the perpetrator or the root issues. Silence is what we had in our lives. No advocate. No help. Just time. We, fortunately, outlived it because we grew up and left the home. But we carry on the trauma in our hearts, mind, emotions, and body just like Tamar does. It doesn’t mean that God was not with me. He definitely was with me, which is why I am here today, leading at RiverLife Church, and why I am a huge advocate for helping others.

What can we learn from this passage of Tamar’s story? What can you do to advocate for someone else? How can we help victims stand up for themselves? How can you, as the perpetrator, change?

LESSONS WE CAN LEARN FROM TAMAR’S STORY

1. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PROBLEMS AND THEN WORK ON CHANGE
We all struggle with something in our lives, and we must first acknowledge that we have a problem. We all have a personality trait, learned behavior, or obsession that is damaging to ourselves and others. Amnon was obsessed with Tamar and lusted after her to the point where he was ill. He had a problem but he chose to devise an evil plan. Most of the time, perpetrators don’t think anything is wrong with them. They don’t think they are the problem and that other people are the ones with the problems. Don’t we all do that? Don’t we have something that we have to acknowledge and work on changing? We can all work towards changing something about ourselves.

2. SEEK GOOD COUNSEL
Surround yourself with good people. These individuals should give you good advice in life, encourage you to be more loving, and will hold you accountable for your actions. Amnon received bad counsel from his cousin. That was his family. If you have cousins who are not helping you even if they are your best friends, you need to find another circle of friends to influence your life for the better. We all have that one family member or friend we should not ask for their advice.

Another option is to get professional help by treating with a therapist who can help you work through your life situations and guide you to make better decisions. They can help you figure out why anger continues to manifest and what triggers your anger. What causes you to become abusive and violent towards your family?

Lastly, if you are looking for a good circle of people, check out RiverLife’s small groups that meet weekly. We have a flyer out in the lobby or you can connect with any of the Pastors to learn more about them. 

3. SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF
I have heard in many abusive situations where the victims are afraid to talk back, fight, or stand up for themselves. The perpetrators have told their victims that if they say anything to anyone, something worse will happen to them or that no one cares about them. I know how scary it is, but you shouldn’t let someone silence you. I want to encourage you to speak up anyways because your words are powerful. Tamar spoke wisdom to her half-brother before he raped her. She tells him about what will happen to her and how he will become a wicked fool in Israel if he rapes her. It is the one power that we have within all of us. To take these one step further, parents, teach your children to speak up for themselves. When they are in difficult situations, help them verbalize how to stand up and share wisdom against perpetrators so they can protect themselves. It took me many years to learn how to speak out directly against the perpetrators in my life because I had to surround myself with people who are good, who gave me courage, and made me feel safe.

4. MEN NEED TO BREAK THE SILENCE
Many perpetrators are men. A lot of the abuse that happens around us in this world is done by men. Amnon consults with his cousin, who is a man. Absalom doesn't address Amnon about his evil crime towards his sister Tamar. Why doesn’t he confront his half-brother? King David was furious but scripture says he didn’t do anything afterward because Amnon was his first-born son. This story is full of men who stayed silent.

Most men just kept silent about it all or they made excuses, such as the topic never came up? I hear you, men, that it’s a heavy burden to carry when you start asking your guy friends and family members about the hard things of life. Most men prefer drama-free lives, to stay out of other people’s problems, and relax. It’s in the silent spaces that abuse takes place, where evil plans are designed and carried out. Women and children are pleading for men to speak up and hold other men accountable for their actions, words, and life because we need courageous men in our lives. I want to challenge the RiverLife men to be courageous for their families, protect them, love them, teach them to stand up for themselves, and keep other men accountable.

CONCLUSION

What could it look like for us to advocate for someone else in a really hard situation? What would it look like for us to be what Tamar didn’t have? I was 19 years old, working at a Salvation Army summer music camp. The students would come to stay for 4 weeks straight and learn how to play musical instruments. I was a piano instructor and also a cabin leader. On the first day of camp, this young lady, who was 15 years old at the time, was heavier, but I noticed something different about her. I had this gut feeling that she was pregnant. She was probably halfway through her pregnancy she was showing but not really showing. I told the camp nurse that I thought she was pregnant. But she met with the nurse and told the nurse she was not.

During those 4 weeks, I gave her all my extra food and watched her ensure she wouldn’t get injured. I asked her multiple times if she was pregnant, and she would get upset at me and say no but she would eat all my extra food. During the last week of camp, half the group went on a hike and she stayed behind. While we were on this hike, I got a radio call on my walkie-talkie that this young lady finally told the camp nurse she was pregnant because her father raped her. All her sisters were raped by their father. By the time I got back from my hike, she was taken away by the camp directors and probably to the police station. I never saw her again. Months later, I inquired about her well-being and they said she had given birth to her baby and that they were both healthy. The father was sent to jail. My part in this story was very short. When I met her, I just knew in my gut something was terribly wrong, and I advocated for her daily until she chose to stand up for herself and tell her story about her father as the perpetrator.

FINAL WORDS

These are real stories. Tamar’s story. Jennifer’s story from Andover. This young lady from camp. My story. The trauma lives on forever, but when God’s people intervene, then the silence is broken. Evil plans are destroyed. People are saved. Lives are changed and healed. Stories are redeemed. Let’s move forward together in living out God’s wonderful plans for us all but we need you and I to help each other to be the best person for our families and the community. Never give up doing what is right.